Do you know the enemy?

Before you go on hating me...make sure you know who the enemy is. I didn't bring you here. I didn't make the decisions for you. You had free will. You had God. You brought yourself here, or he sent you. I don't choose. I just welcome you with open arms. Welcome, loves. Welcome home, my darlings.

Welcome to Paradise

Road Trippin'

I've been feeling pretty down lately so I took a walk today...well rather I sat in a sedan chair and my minions carried me. Normally, it would've been no big deal for them but I made it so that their groins itched and burned and they couldn't stop or let go of the poles. It's the little things, ya know?

(Picture this but with powder blue jumpsuits.)

I decided to visit the Lake of Fire. It's a pretty nice place. Cozy, you know? But, then I started feeling down again. The lake was the first thing I saw when I fell. I landed right next to it. My left wing fell in a little bit. It hasn't been the same since. I think there's some nerve damage or something. I guess this dude Milton wrote about me like a hundred or something years ago. He got it mostly right, except for the snake thing. I didn't do it. Bitch, got caught not listening to the rules. So, she tried to blame me. WTF! She's surrounded by apples all the time now. She cries all the time with guilt. Adam does, too.

Hm? What's that? Oh you thought that Dad's magic boy took them out of Hell? HAHA, NO! Dad is still super pissed. He can hold a grudge like you wouldn't believe. That kid took all the boring old people out a long time ago. But, he left his buddy behind. Judas was really upset about it. He ratted out M.B. (magic boy) to the cops or something because he was told to. Now, he's like super hated. I actually don't mind him. I can pity him 'cause he and I are kinda the same. We both took the blame for stuff we didn't want to do but had to. Its hell not being able to make your own choices. Yet, even my own children, my lovely babies, here in Hell have the choice of what they do with their lives...to a certain degree.

Needless to say, I didn't stay too long at the Lake with all these thoughts in my head. As I left, I caused this HUGE tsunami of lava and fire. Tons of people melted, it was hilarious.

blah

Rant rant rant

Sorry to keep you oh so eagerly awaiting!

The interview was off to a hit start right away. Nixon, Hoover, and those crazy BeeGees dudes brought Hatcher over early in the morning. He was naked! Apparently, him and Anne were playing at the beast with two backs the night before. Lol, wonder how that went! (Badly, I bet!) Anyway, silly me mixed Hatcher up with the other poor saps I was hunting. I decided to make it up to him by letting him shoot this sicko guy who shot his buddy, Hitler, and Stalin. I think he actually enjoyed it! Creepy, right? Haha, I think I did right by making him a minion of mine. He pulls off the blue jumpsuit pretty well, too.

The interviews begins with the question, "Why you?" Damn, this guys has balls! Imagine asking the King of Hell, the very Prince of Darkness himself why he is in Hell!

So I say, "I've got father issues." Awesome answer, right? Then, I go on talking about families or some shit. The funniest part was when I convinced Hatcher to hug me! I wanted to laugh so hard, but this was gonna be broadcasted to all my babies in Hell.

But, Hatch wasn't satisfied. So, I'm, like, saying how everything always goes wrong for fathers and sons and stuff. Then, I get a little deeper in my rant. "I was his Lucifer. I was young and beautiful. He made his face to shine upon me. He made my face to shine. Yes. He made me the man I am today. He made it all, don't forget. I just do all his dirty work."

By that point, I had just about lost it. All the hate, regret, and sadness came to a head as I ranted to this guy. You know, he can do no wrong, right? My dad. He just does that shit he does and blames the bad stuff on me. People forget that he made evil. He was the one who made that bastard that blew up a building, or killed some person, or stole from someone else. But, they blame me and say I tempted them...or possessed them. Dude, screw that! I don't do any of it. I'm in Hell just the same as everyone else. I can't leave. I can't feel the feelings that they had from him. I know only regret and anger for I saw the face of my dad and sat at his right hand. Now, that place is filled by some MORTAL. Yeah, he's like magic or whatever. I don't care. I just know that any status I had up there is gone.

"When it comes down to it, he can do no wrong and I can never do anything right. Fucking shit happens in the world, but if he does it, fine. That's Dad's holy fucking will. If I do it, then it's 'I'm so disappointed in you.' Fuck that."

After that, I was sick of hearing myself bitch. I didn't want to think of Dad anymore. So I spun this story about burgers or whatever. Hatcher kept getting this weird look while I was talking. No clue what that was about though. It was like he wasn't listening, which annoyed me. So, I burned him with sparks from a torch, lol. But then, I got over it and had some fun. Got really dramatic in the end! Acting is fun! Maybe I'll go check on Mr. Shaking-the-Speare and see how the play is coming along.

Hatcher? I barely knew 'er! LOL

SO today was fun! I got interviewed today by this guy, Hatcher McCord. He's some news dude who died a while back and now he's the anchor of Evening news from Hell. Its a pretty sweet gig, if you ask me. But no one gets to enjoy anything for too long around here. Dude's got crazy stage fright if he doesn't know what to say. So, I have B-bubs leave a good ten or so minutes blank on the teleprompter. I also like having a few "poopybutts" thrown into his report. In fact, I do that with all my anchors. He also deals with a constant hard on, a lousy sex life, and he bumps his leg on the table every day. That bruise must be huge! Ouch!!

But, whatever. This shit keeps me going, you know? I live to torture. Its what I do. What I have to do...like it or not. I didn't make this choice, it was made for me. I never wanted to be the one everyone hated and feared. Did you know I was once the most beautiful angel? I was loved by my father and the others.

 (I still am pretty sexy ;) )

 But he had to go and make THEM. Those pathetic, weaklings who can't do anything for themselves. He abandoned us, his first creations, for THEM. So yeah, I was upset. Then I found that a bunch of others were upset, too. We got together and tried to talk to him. Tried to explain how hurt we were and how we hoped that he could love us equally. But no such luck. So yeah, I admit it. We got pissed and fought. Think of a child being jealous of a new sibling. It's upset, hurt, and irrational. Would you cast it down to Hell for all eternity? Well...I would but you get what I mean.

Any way...I think I got a little off track. I'm out of time to blog right now, though. I'll talk more in the next post.

LOL

This whole issue with that dumb song has me really down…not even stuffing a pineapple up Hitler’s butt could cheer me up the way it used to.

It just isn’t funny anymore. Pity…

I used to laugh for hours about it! I think my laughs rocked Hell and caused some earthquakes too. You know, I hadn’t even THOUGHT of that until I saw that movie “Little Nicky.” Have you seen it? Here’s the best clip of it:

Isn’t that hilarious! After watching that I immediately called for Hitler and the other minions and we recreated that scene! I was so excited to meet Adam Sandler when he made his way down. Cool dude, man. He’s my personal jester now. He wears this jester outfit with bells and everything. If he fails to amuse me I feed him to the “failed actors” pit. The poor saps in there tear him apart trying to tell him about their screen plays and resumes. That’s usually good for a laugh! Maybe I’ll go do that now…

Um WHAT >:[

I am so pissed! I just found out about this earth band that has been mocking me…grr.

I checked out the music video and, at first, I liked what I saw. A bunch of hotties dressed in my image, nice! But then, some ugly as dude came out. What the…I am so NOT that ugly. I think I’m pretty damn good looking! I had all the ladies and demon ladies on me all the time at one point! (Let’s not talk about me and Lilith though. *shudder*) Then I heard them “singing:”

You wanted power and you begged for fame
You wanted everything the easy way
You wanted gain without pain
Now your bill is in the mail
You got stronger but your mind got weak
You made a promise that you couldn’t keep
You had it all – You lost more
It’s all there in the fee

Not bad. I was willing to forgive the ugly faux me cause they were so right! Make a deal with me and you gotta pay up in the end. Its like that time in Germany. This doctor (I think his name was Faucet or something) was not content being just a little smarter than everyone.  So B-dizzle (Is that better than Beezy…not sure yet) paid him a visit and they made a deal. I was literally LMAO watching him run around boxing the pope’s ears. But when it came time for him to pay a visit to moi he freaked out! But whatever…I always get my man in the end. Last I heard, he was stuck on some game show with Einstein and Hawking. Its pretty amusing because they can’t figure out any of the answers!

“Alright Mr. Faucet, what is two plus two?”

“Uhhhhhh…wait! Wait! I know this one! It’s-it’s on the tip of my tongue. Umm…one million?”

“Ooh no. I’m sorry that is incorrect!”

ZZZZZAP!

Oh yeah. I think I forgot to mention that they get like a couple hundred volts right to the groin when they get questions wrong…which is always! Haha!

Wait…where was I? Oh right! So what’s the problem with this song (other than the ugly dude)? Ugh, just look!

Cause the devil is a loser and he’s my bitch
For better or for worse and you don’t care which
Cause the devil is a loser and he’s my bitch
Runnin’ into trouble you skitch
He’s my bitch

OH NO THEY DIDN’T! I am so…so…annoyed. -__- But, its ok. I have the perfect plan for them. I’m thinking frilly pink tutus…maybe some G-Strings? Yeah…I like that. Stick ‘em in that strip club “Hell’s Belles” and make ‘em give lap dances to people. I’m thinkin’ Casey Anthony might like a visit to the club